The Letter
by SayaEvange
Summary: “Alright, Paddy, something is up and you need to start talking! All you’ve been doing is moping around the castle for the past month. Mate, they’re saying that you’ve gone nutters.”


I sat down on my bed, trying to think. Nothing had been the same since she left. Without her around I just felt empty. No longer could I plan and execute pranks with my best mates. All of the girls passed, trying to catch my eye, but I only saw her when I tried to look at them. Hell, I couldn't even taunt Snivellus and get any enjoyment from it. Everything was just meaningless.

I looked at the door just in time to see Remus and James walk in. Peter tailed along, clearly out-of-breath from whatever it was they had been doing. It crossed my mind to ask where they had been and why they had chosen to leave me alone for so long, but I didn't bother. What was the point when it was all meaningless?

"Padfoot, have you been up here this whole time?" Remus asked. I nodded causing Remus and James to share knowing, concerned looks. Peter, as usual, looked as if he didn't know what was even going on. What a git.

"Alright, Paddy, something is up and you need to start talking! All you've been doing is moping around the castle for the past month. People are starting to spread rumors about you being suicidal," he paused. "Mate, they're saying that you've gone nutters."

I shrugged. "I don't care. None of them matter to me." I leaned against my pillow. I had expected to get a lecture from Remus. I didn't realize that Prongs was going to join him.

"James isn't lying. All we heard during supper is whether or not you've killed yourself yet," Peter added, finally catching up with the conversation. I rolled my eyes.

"I'm fine. I'm just…"

"You're depressed, Sirius. You've been this way ever since Nienna left," Remus accused. I hated when he did this. It was bad enough that he was right, but did he really need to let everyone else know?

"I'm not depressed," I growled. Couldn't they see that I was in no mood for this conversation? "If you three are truly my friends then you'll just drop it."

James, Remus, and Peter appeared at my side, obviously not ready to drop it. "C'mon Padfoot, we're only trying to help you. It's for your own good."

I groaned. Why did they always think they knew what was best for me?

Wormtail spoke up again. "Have you ever tried to contact her?"

I stared at the short, chubby kid I had claimed as a friend. "Do you think I'm dense, Wormtail?" I barked at him.

He just quivered slightly and shook his head. "Of course not, Siri. It was just a question."

The room was silent for a while and I thought they were finally going to change the subject, but I was wrong.

"You know, that's not a bad idea," Remus announced. I stared at him, hoping that he wasn't talking about what I thought he was.

"What is Moony?" James asked. Prongs was my best mate out of all of them, but sometimes he acted as dumb as Pete.

"Sirius should try to contact Nienna. What's he got to lose?"

James nodded his head vigorously while a grin covered Peter's face. Why did he always have to come up with a 'good idea' at the worst time?

"That sounds great Moony! How should he do it?" James asked.

"He should go and surprise her!" Peter offered, but no one paid him any attention. Remus stood in silence thinking of the perfect way to put me through ultimate torture.

"I've got it. Sirius, you are going to write Nienna a letter."

I scoffed at the decision, but James and Peter had jumped on Remus' bandwagon. "Yeah, Paddy, and you can tell her how badly you miss her and how much she means to you," James agreed.

"And just how am I going to tell her that? Have you all forgotten how she treated me the night she left? Do you not remember what she said to me?" I knew that my argument was weak, but it was all I had. Sure I remembered the cruel insults she spat at me, but I didn't care anymore. I just wanted her.

Remus shook his head. "No, we haven't forgotten, but you can still write to her. In fact, we're going to make you write to her."

"Exactly, you don't get to go to sleep until you write her a letter and send it off!" James exclaimed. Before I could protest Moony shoved a long piece of parchment and a quill at me.

"Ugh, I'm going to kick your arses," I threatened, but I dipped the quill in the ink nonetheless. With satisfied looks all three sat on the floor to plan the next prank.

Never had I written a letter that actually meant something. Actually, I had only ever written a couple letters in my whole life. I knew this was not going to be easy. Still, I began, slowly warming up to the idea of sending her something like this.

_Dear Nienna,_

_Well, I'm not sure what to say to you. In fact, I'm not even certain why I'm bothering to write this. I know that you'll just throw it in the closest fire when you get it, but here I am still writing. Merlin, I'm a fool aren't I? Instead of talking to myself like you're so fond of doing, I just write letters to you that I know you'll never read. At least when you talk to yourself someone is usually around to hear…Okay, maybe that isn't such a good thing. Hmm, I'm rambling. That is completely unlike me. Odd…_

_Just so you know it isn't on my own free will that I'm writing this. Remus, James, and Peter seem worried about my current state and felt that I needed to write a letter to you so I could feel better. They're gits you know. They don't have a clue what they're talking about. First off, I'm perfectly fine. Things couldn't be better here at Hogwarts…Well; they could be if some of those American Muggle bunnies were here. You know what I'm talking about? Those girls that live in that huge mansion? Yeah, it'd be really nice if they were here…_

_Secondly, since I am obviously fine and there is nothing wrong, there is no logical reason for me to be writing to you. Especially not with everything you told me that night. You know; how my brother is a better man and how no one loves me. Yeah, I haven't forgotten Nienna._

I looked at what I had written and was actually quite proud of it. This was going a lot easier than I thought. I'd be done in no time and then my mates would be off my back about it.

"Finished already Padfoot?" James asked. I shook my head, but he snatched it out of my hand to look over what I had. I thought about retrieving it, but what was the point? They'd either give it back or throw it away, realizing how bad of an idea this letter really was.

"You can't say that to her," Peter commented. "She'll never speak to you again." I glared at him.

"Oh what do you know?"

Moony jumped in. "He's right, Padfoot. You can't say this to Nienna. You need to tell her what's actually going on. This is for your own good."

"Yeah," James started. "The last thing we need is a moody Padfoot for the rest of our lives!"

I growled at them and took the letter back. "Fine, I'll write the rest better, but I'm not crossing out what I've already done."

They shrugged and turned back to what they were doing. I grumbled some more under my breath as I settled back in to write.

_Okay, I know you probably realize I haven't forgotten that. Also, I know you probably haven't forgotten everything that I've put you through. I am sorry about that. I don't know why I let any of that happen. I suppose I just…I don't know, Nen. I just don't know._

_Anyways Princess, just what have you been up to? What was so urgent at home that you had to leave? Not that I mind you're gone or anything. Things are much simpler without you here. I'm just curious. Do you have any idea when you'll be back? Again, I don't really care. I'm just filling up space. _

_Lily is miserable without you. Her and Carrie aren't getting along anymore. I suppose that has to deal with you. You're good at screwing up everyone's lives aren't you? Sorry, that was out of line…I know that you had no control over the Carrie situation. _

_I'm not going to say anything about Sarah. She doesn't matter. Honestly, Nen, if you knew what's taken place this last month you'd probably kill that girl. Oh, her and Carrie are good friends now._

_All of my mates are good. They're just worrying way too much about me. They think I'm depressed. Can you believe that? Me, Sirius Black, depressed! I told you they didn't know what they were talking about. I don't even know why they'd say that. Sure, I haven't found much joy in pranks or girls or even making Snivellus' life a nightmare. That doesn't mean I'm depressed! And even if I am it doesn't have anything to do with you! _

I stopped again. What was I doing? Here was my chance to try and make things right and I couldn't even do it. I looked at my friends who were still on the floor. Remus was reading by now and James and Peter were playing Wizards Chess. They were right. I am depressed.

_Please Nienna, keep reading this. I need to tell you this. I know the first part of my letter doesn't seem like I need you or anything, but I really do. They're right you know. I am depressed. I can't find any reason to do…well, anything. The school is starting to talk too. I know you'd get a kick out of that. Half the school thinks that I'm suicidal and the other half just thinks I've lost my mind. I don't know. Whenever something deals with you I never know anything. Well, that's a lie. I know that I love being with you. _

_It's true. So you're a little crazy and you're family has issues. I don't care. I love how I always manage to find you talking to yourself in the most public of places. I love how you never seem to care. I love how you can actually tell me no. I'm not used to that. I'm Sirius Black. Girls never tell me no. Okay, so you didn't one time during fifth year. Big deal, Nen; you aren't the only girl who didn't say no. _

_I've never understood why that night was such a big deal to you…_

My mind drifted away from the letter, away from my friends, away from the present.

**It was just me and her in the Room of Requirement. I had persuaded her to come with me. It hadn't taken much persuasion though. I was surprised at that. She seemed almost starved for the kisses I gave her and she nearly jumped at the chance to get more. It occurred to me a few times on our way to the Room of Requirement that she didn't completely understand what was about to happen. Hell, I wasn't completely sure. I kept waiting for her to refuse me and go back to the Common Room, but it never happened.**

**She stood in front of me. Her fifteen year old body was completely naked and she shook slightly as if she was cold. I took in the sight, knowing that it would likely be the only chance I had with her. She wasn't as pretty as some of the others, but I couldn't help but be completely captivated by her. The way she stood, nervous and yet ready reminded me of a young Goddess. I knew that being with her would be better than anyone else.**

"**Siri, what are you staring at?" she asked, her voice barely more than a whisper. I shook my head and smiled before taking her into my arms once more. **

I held back a groan as I finally realized just why that night was so important. I was her first, and only as far as I know, but instead of being with her after that night I moved on to the next girl. I could have been everything to her, but I chose to go and bed as many girls as I could that year. What fifteen year old boy wants to be tied down to one girl? Well, besides James.

I looked at my friend as he beat Pete again. Maybe he knew something I didn't. Granted Lily didn't have anything to do with him, but he realized which girl was for him. Sure he hasn't managed to win her over yet, but she hasn't given him any chances. I, on the other hand, have had plenty of chances and I blew them all. All because I was too blind to realize what James had third year.

_Nienna Ladden I am sorry. How could I be so stupid as to not realize just what that night meant? After that how did you even manage to give me another chance? I can't believe I didn't realize what I had or rather, could have had. I screwed up and I've just now understood that. I know I said that before, but I didn't really mean it. I do now. I realized now just what I gave up. _

_You are the best thing to come into my life, Nen. I can't get over how I let you walk out of it. I don't care about what you said anymore. I deserved it. I don't know if you really meant it, but in any case I deserved it. You must think I'm a complete git. My mates were right. My life just isn't the same without you. _

_I doubt that you'll ever truly forgive me, but I hope you do. I can't guarantee that I won't screw up again. You know me; it's quite likely I'll screw something up. When you get back to school I want to sit down and have a long talk with you. I don't think that would be too much to ask for, would it? If you never come back, I'll go looking for you. I want to make amends for what I've done and I'll do everything possible to do that. I'm not going to just let you walk out of my life forever even if that's what you think should happen. You're my Princess. You're my life. I can't let you take my life. _

_Sincerely, (I don't know what else to put here. Love sounds way too cheesy.)_

_Sirius _

"Done," I announced as soon as I signed my name. I handed it to Remus and he carefully read it over along with Peter and James.

"Sirius, this is good. This is really good," Remus acknowledged. James agreed while Peter just looked confused.

"When are you going to send it to her?" James asked, handing it back to me.

I thought for a moment. Could I really send this? "I'm going to take it to the Owlry now. Can I borrow the Cloak, James?"

He nodded and tossed it to me. "Just make it quick and make sure you don't get caught."

I rolled my eyes as I grabbed the Cloak and headed to the door. Once I was out, I threw it over me and quickly walked to the Owlry. My mind wandered, going over everything I had wrote in the letter and everything that had happened since fifth year. Before I knew it I was at the Owlry. I carefully selected an owl and began to tie the letter to his legs when I stopped. What was I doing?

I let go of the owl and stood for a moment on the landing. I looked down at the letter in my hand and slowly began to tear it up. I shredded the paper until the pieces were too small to tear anymore. One by one I threw them into the wind. I paused when I only had a couple pieces left.

"I, Sirius Black, will find the pieces to put it together again no matter what," I promised myself. I stuffed the two pieces in my pocket and began walking back down the steps amazed at how much better I felt. Above my head the fragments of the letter danced for only moments before separating for good. I let out a single laugh. The pieces had replayed my life thus far with her, but I wasn't about to let that be the end.


End file.
